Mounting Distractions
by Jesfrealo
Summary: This is a humorous little fic wherein the seven attempt to get up to the fifth floor of a building with very little luck. *response to a challenge*


Mounting Distractions 

Author: Jesfrealo

Disclaimer:  Josiah Sanchez is my father, JD is my brother, and Ezra Standish is my boyfriend.  Chris Larabee and I get coffee together every morning too….the chances of me making any profit or having any rights to the Magnificent Seven are about as likely as the above being true.  For those of you who are incredibly dense, that means there is absolutely no chance.  (Although if Ezra could jump from fiction to reality and become my boyfriend…J).

Author's Note #1:  This is in response to a challenge posted by Robin.  The idea was to write a story about the seven trying to get from point A to point B and making it utterly cataclysmic.  This was my attempt, I sort of strayed from the exact point, but hey, this was fun!  Enjoy! J

Author's Note #2: It seems I never take the time to thank MOG for creating this universe—of course it's a bit strange since I don't know her and she doesn't know me.  However, I want to thank her because I LOVE playing in the ATF!!!

Author's Note #3: This is dedicated to a hopeful end for this blasted writer's block.  Also, this is the first story I've ever had betaed so naturally I also have to dedicate it to my beta, Carla!  Thanks, you're great!

And now, finally, on with the show!!!

~*~

 "Look, guys, all we have to do is get upstairs to the courtroom, and then the Gatsons' gun-ring operation and murderous rampage on Denver is over," Chris Larabee said, smiling, his face mirroring the look of triumph his entire team felt.   

The team had been working this case for months.  Even with Ezra in deep cover for six of those months, leads had been slow in coming.  Overtime had become the norm, and, for the last twelve weeks, any more than two to three hours sleep per night, a luxury.  However, they had attacked the case with their usual tenacity, and it had paid off in the end with the capture of what had been dubbed by the newspapers as "The Gatson Gang".  And after today's testimony, the surviving members of the gang should be put behind bars for a very long time.  

Chris smiled again.  He was proud of the six men that comprised his team.  Once again, they had defied the odds and cracked a case that other teams and agencies had failed to dent.  As a reward, the judge had given them all a nice, long vacation--a vacation they had decided to take together.  They were all looking forward to three weeks on the tiny Caribbean island of St. John.

However, they had another job to do:  put the Gatsons away.  

"What floor are we headin' to, Chris?" Vin asked, drawing Chris from his reverie.

"Fifth," Chris answered, as they walked into the nine-story court building in Denver's downtown.

"That means the elevator?" Vin asked, sounding utterly terrified, though only his teammates could recognize the fear in his voice.  It was well known to every team member and beyond, that Vin Tanner was horrified of small spaces.  He was so claustrophobic that he had a hard time in the shower and hence, was well known for his one to two minute showers.  

"The stairs are right over there, Vin," Chris said, pointing to the corner of the room, "You can take those."

The sharpshooter nodded his thanks.  

"I believe I shall go with Mr. Tanner for elevators have not been my greatest ally as of late," Ezra piped in, and Chris immediately gave a nod of his head, as though saying that he thought Ezra's idea was a good one.  

It was, perhaps, the understatement of the century to merely say that elevators had not been the undercover agents "greatest ally".  It was more accurate to say that they had been his worst nightmare.  During the Gatson bust, Ezra had been trapped in an elevator with two gang members hell bent on killing the undercover agent.  It had been a test in survival for the wily southerner who had escaped with three gunshot and four stab wounds; however, to his credit, he had escaped alive which was far more than his teammates had expected while they were attempting to rescue him.  

"All right then, we'll meet you up there--fifth floor," Chris reminded, as the two men headed for the stairwell and Buck pushed the elevator button.

"See you upstairs, gentlemen," Ezra said, as he and Vin entered the stairwell.

~*~

Ding 

"'Bout damn time," Buck said irritably five minutes later as the elevator door finally slid open.

"Come on, Brother Buck," Josiah said soothingly, "Our elevator has finally arrived, you can relax now."

"Yeah, Buck.  This ain't no reason to jack up your blood pressure," Nathan added, always the medic.

Buck shot them both a sour look before conceding the wisdom of their words with a little nod and chuckle.

As the doors slid to a close and the elevator began to rise, they all heard the "ding" announcement of the second floor when Chris said, "Where in the hell is JD?" 

Buck looked around, frowning.  "I thought the kid was here."  

"I could have sworn he got on the elevator." Nathan agreed.

"Well," Chris said, "Buck, why don't you get off here and go look for JD downstairs and the rest of us will head on up?"

"All right, Chris," Buck answered, exiting the elevator.

"If you don't find him in ten minutes head on up to the court room, we need you too!" Chris shouted at Buck as the door closed.

"I wonder where our missing sheep wandered off to," Josiah mused.

~*~

"Mr. Tanner, do you hear that?"

"Yeah, Ez, sounds like screamin'," Vin answered.

"Indeed it does, it sounds like a female screaming at the top of her lungs more precisely."

"Reckon it does, at that," Vin agreed. "Sounds as if we're getting closer too, don't it?"

"Yes," Ezra answered simply, "I suggest we continue with caution."

They proceeded slowly, unsure of what they would find upon turning to head up the next set of stairs.  They slowly rounded the corner.  As they did they saw two men cornering a woman.  They looked as if they were attempting to rob her.

"Freeze!" Vin said with no hesitation.  He and Ezra both drew their weapons and pointed them steadily at the two would-be felons.  

However, just as they thought they had easily won the day, a voice rang from the next stairwell up, just behind their heads, "No, you freeze!"

~*~

Buck reached the bottom floor in time to see the ever busy and crowded lobby of the courthouse filled with loitering people, none of whom were JD.  "Where'd that boy git off to?" he said to himself as he began to walk around aimlessly in search of JD, hoping that the boy, just this once had managed to stay out of trouble.   

Buck spotted the pretty, redheaded receptionist he had tried numerous times to woo and always failed.  He decided that perhaps she had seen JD and if not, it certainly would not be a waste of time or energy if it meant he got to talk to her.

"Ma'am," he said in his best sexy voice.

"Mr. Wilmington," The receptionist greeted, less then thrilled to see the happy-go-lucky rogue appear at her desk.

"Ma'am, you look finer then a ripe Georgia peach ready for picking--"

"Mr. Wilmingtion, you are full of crap.  Now do you actually have something within a business capacity for me to do, or are you just here to make yourself look like the ass you are," she said bitingly.

"Whoa, there sugar, didn't mean to ruffle your pretty little feathers so much--"

"Buck, do I look sweet to you?  Do I really look like a fruit or a bird?"

"Now wait a minute I was just tryin' to--"

"I know exactly what you were trying to do, Mr. Wilmington, and frankly I do not appreciate it!  Furthermore, I'm tired of this constant, endless . . . ."  

~*~

He wasn't sure how he had gotten himself into this mess but somehow he had.  Now the question was: How in the world would he get himself out of it?

JD Dunne found himself carrying groceries, a lot of them.  He couldn't believe this, but the old lady seemed to have all the power in this situation and he had zero.  She would have him carrying these freaking groceries for the rest of his life.  

He had been waiting in the lobby with the others but had gotten really tired of listening to Buck's latest sexual exploit for the nine thousandth time, so he had decided to step outside for a minute.  Unfortunately for him, he ran into her:  Godzilla, with a blue wig, dentures, and a false hip.  Of course he had not known that at the time.  He had thought she was some sweet little old lady whom he had brutally run into.  He was wrong.  She was a bloodsucker.  He felt terrible and had asked her if there was anything he could do to make up for his clumsiness.  She mentioned groceries, but not the fact that she lived six blocks from the courthouse or that she had parked two blocks away in the opposite direction.  She also failed to mention that she had enough groceries to feed an army of 100,000.  

~*~

In ten minutes they had only made it to the third floor.  Chris believed it was a plot against them.  Some complicated conspiracy to drive him to insanity.  After Buck had gotten off the elevator they had gone up to the third floor where the number of people on board had gone from three to thirty.  The three agents were now trapped in the back of an elevator that for some screwy reason had stopped going up and had begun going down again.  And now it seemed like the same thirty people would get on and off just to hold them up. 

However, just when they decided to get off, the rush of people would once more bombard the elevator and once more they would be trapped behind a ton of bodies.  Chris thought that he had maybe five more minutes before he went completely ballistic.  

Wait a minute, he was going to go ballistic now . . . .  

Larabee quickly reached into his coat and from his shoulder holster removed his gun.  In his loudest most authoritative voice he yelled, "Everybody, listen up!"

Everybody listened.

~*~

"No, you freeze!"

The voice resonated in their minds.  They were in trouble, big trouble.  Ezra slowly turned around to see three men with guns pointed at Vin and him.  He all ready knew that the two men they had apprehended now had guns trained on Vin and himself.  

"Mr. Tanner, we are screwed."    

"Thanks for sharing, pard."

"Shut up, you two!"

"Mr. Tanner," Ezra said, basically ignoring their would-be captor, "What are we going to do?"

"You're going to shut up or I'm going to blow your brains out!"

"You think you can get away with that in a court house?"  

The man pulled back the trigger . . . .  

~*~

Buck just didn't get it; he had never had a woman go off on him like this.  Usually it was quite the opposite, they liked it when he hit on them and gave them little compliments.  However, in the last ten minutes Buck had discovered this was not one of those women.  This was Dracula in heels.  What had he done to deserve this?  

Listening to her was really starting to get old--and really embarrassing.  Normally Buck did not mind getting embarrassed when a woman was involved because usually he reaped more benefits than anything else but not this time.  Everyone walking into the courthouse including judges, fellow cops, and lawyers were seeing this and Buck didn't like it—not to mention the fact that he should be looking for JD; hell, by now he should have been upstairs.  He tuned back in . . . .  

". . . You are the most disgusting, obstinate piece of trash I've ever seen.  You're a no good womanizer who thinks he's hot shit but really isn't worth shit.  And you know what else Wilmington?"

 "You're on some weird hormonal rampage that has caused you to completely lose your mind?" Buck ventured a guess.

"You son of a bitch . . . ." 

~*~  

After the fourth trip JD knew he had to make his escape, but how?  Part of him screamed, _just drop the groceries and run! She's old; she'll never catch you! _

And indeed the better part of JD did want to do that but he was a cop.  What was he doing being scared of some little old lady?  He entered her house again, "Ah, Ma'am," he began, "I'm afraid that I've got to be going . . . ."

With that, the old woman, who suddenly looked extremely feeble, collapsed, grabbing at her left arm, and as she did so, JD's eyes shot wide open. 

_Oh, no, he'd killed her!!_

~*~

"Now, we need to get to the fifth floor!" Chris shouted.  All eyes in the cramped elevator turned awkwardly on the lunatic with the gun.  "That's all we want, we were supposed to testify five minutes ago.  So when we get to the next floor, let us off the elevator and I won't shoot anybody, okay?"  

He was fairly certain that everybody in the elevator nodded.  Unfortunately, at that moment the elevator seemed to wobble beneath them slightly and the lights blinked ominously.  Then the elevator came to a halting stop between the second and third floors.  

The lights continued blinking for a moment longer before going out completely.  Everyone in the elevator seemed to stand frozen for about thirty seconds, even though it felt more like thirty hours.  Finally, the large dim emergency floodlights effectively spotlighted them. 

Chris groaned and looked upward, silently asking "Why me?" before re-holstering his gun and sinking down the elevator wall to a sitting position.  

Nathan and Josiah exchanged a look before joining Larabee in what they expected to be a spectacularly long wait.

~*~

The shot seemed to reverberate through the whole building catching pretty much everyone's attention—including Buck Wilmington and everyone trapped in the elevator.

~*~

"Uh, hate to break this up darlin 'but ya know, bein' a cop and all I should probably go check on that," Buck said and walked away without waiting for a response.  He had meant that to simply be an excuse but as he thought about it, if anyone was behind that gunshot it was probably a member of his team.  

"Reckon I'll head up the stairs, ain't waitin' for that elevator agin'.  Probably run into the trouble along the way," Buck shook his head before adding, "Kid'll just have to find his own way out this time."  

~*~

They heard the gunshot loud and clear.  It really didn't sound that far away.  All Chris Larabee could do was shake his head and comment to Nathan and Josiah, "What do you want to bet that that's Buck, JD, Vin, or Ezra?"

~*~

Vin could not believe the crazy sucker had actually done it.  What had the robber been thinking, trying to shoot two people in a courthouse?  What kind of idiots were these guys?  Vin smirked as he answered his own question:  The kind of guys who try to rob somebody in a courthouse. 

They were unlucky in the fact that the man had fired, however they were lucky in the fact that the man was an awful shot.  Instead of hitting either Vin or Ezra, the bullet had ricocheted off the metal stairwell and actually wounded one of his partners in the leg.  The man was now throwing a rather hysterical fit and shouting obscenities along the lines of what a stupid bastard his partner was. 

In the midst of all the confusion, Ezra and Vin had regained control of the situation.  They moved quickly, Vin toward the men on the stairwell above, Ezra toward the men in front of them; the woman had all ready made her escape. 

~*~

JD Dunne moved with speed he never knew he possessed.  He slid the last foot on his knees and skidded to a halt directly in front of the old woman.  He took her pulse and found one, though it was weak.  He checked her breathing and was further relieved to find it steady though quite shallow.

He left her to find the phone and call 911.

~*~

Buck raced up the stairs as quickly as he could.  He heard some shouting and then Vin and Ezra's distinctive drawls repeating the Miranda Rights.  Wilmington picked up the pace and arrived in time to see Vin reciting the rights with a security guard standing right next to him.  He looked toward the stairwell above and saw Ezra in much the same position.

"You fellas get into some trouble?" Buck asked.

"Some," Vin said with incredible nonchalance after the security guards took away the newest members of prison.

"Ezra, you got anything to say on the subject?"

"I believe Mr. Tanner's answer is sufficient."

"Well, alrighty then, you fellas don't want to tell ol' Buck what's goin on that's okay, I s'pose."  Buck did his best impression of having hurt feelings before glancing at his watch.  "C'mon, we'd best hurry; we're late, an' Chris is gonna have our hides."

The three agents thanked the authorities that had moved in to handle the situation, and then moved quickly up the stairs.  

"Mr. Wilmington," Ezra asked, "didn't you take the elevator?"

Buck sighed, "Well, I did but the kid got himself lost. . . ." 

~*~

Luckily the paramedics had gotten there quickly.  JD had explained the situation to the paramedics and they had taken the old lady to the hospital.  They said that it appeared as if the woman had suffered a heart attack, however judging by her condition they suspected she would make it.  JD was relieved but found himself still standing in her kitchen five minutes later.  He felt bad about all the nasty things he had been thinking about her.  He supposed she was probably just a little old lady who was lonely.   Then again, he mused, she had been a just a bit militaristic.  She would have made a good general.

He was about to leave, then he looked back and saw all the groceries still sitting idly on the table.  Ice cream was melting; milk was getting warm, all and all it would turn into disaster if left out much longer.  JD looked at his watch.  He was already forty minutes late…he guessed a little while longer would not cause too much more damage.  Besides, given the circumstances the judge and his teammates were bound to understand, right?  Besides, the others were there . . . .

~*~

Chris Larabee thought that his head might soon explode.  It had all been so simple.  Yet, look where they were now.  It did not seem so simple anymore.  A number of questions were going through his head:  How long had he been in this cramped elevator?  How late were they to their court appearance?  Where were the others?  What were they doing?  How long had the man in front of him had gas?  

All of that combined with the cramped spaces were about to drive Chris to insanity.  He marveled at how completely calm and relaxed Nathan and Josiah seemed.  The maintenance people attempting to get them all out of the elevator said to prepare for a long wait.  

Chris decided he was not prepared for a long wait.

"Nathan, Josiah, help me."

"Help with what, Chris?" Josiah asked, addressing the team leader.

"We're getting out of here."

"How?"  Nathan asked.

Chris looked around spotting a maintenance hatch on the top of the elevator.  "Give me a boost," he said absently.  Nathan and Josiah cupped their hands together and Chris used them as a knee-up.  He worked quickly to open the relatively small hatch.  When he did, Nathan and Josiah lifted him precariously up higher until he could pull himself up onto the top of the elevator.  

Nathan and Josiah followed.  Slowly, they climbed the remaining few feet, then with the help of people on the third floor they climbed out.  They moved quickly, heading toward the courtroom.

"What are the chances the others are there?"  Chris said to neither man in particular.

They didn't answer.

~*~

JD finished the groceries and pretty much sprinted back down six blocks to the courthouse, hoping people would not be too pissed off at him.  When he reached the lobby of the building, he was a little upset to find that the elevator was not working and idly wondered if the guys had gotten trapped, but shrugged the thought off assuming they had long since gotten off.      

He moved to the stairwell, which he also found to be blocked off—the security guard said something about an arrest being made there.  It sounded odd to JD but he ignored it and raced for the maintenance stairwell he had been detoured to.  After already being so late, he was not quite sure why he was trying so hard to get there quickly, but he figured it was the thought that counts, so he should at least try to move quickly, even if it did seem a vain gesture.  

Upon arriving in court he found something that should not have surprised him that much, but did, nonetheless.  

None of the others were there.  

Only for a brief moment did he question how that was possible.  And he thought he had gotten side tracked.  He looked around the courtroom; the DA threw him a dirty look.

Standing, the DA said, "Your honor, one of the state's final witness' has arrived."

"It is about time," the judge said, sounding just slightly irritated with the situation.  

"Yes, your honor," the DA said, sounding much more apologetic than he looked. "The State calls ATF agent John Dunne."  

JD composed himself quickly and prayed the others would arrive soon.  Where the hell were they?  

~*~

Chris Larabee climbed the stairs two at a time.  Nathan and Josiah followed close behind.  Then he saw them.  

Vin, Ezra, and Buck were talking to and apparently were trying to calm down a woman that looked to be completely hysterical.  Chris took a moment to survey the stairwell more closely.  He noticed some cops wandering idly about.

He saw the woman fling herself at Vin.  

He finally reached his three agents and said in a low voice, "What in hell is going on here?"

"Well, apparently this here little filly was getting robbed and our two knights in shinin' armor rescued her," Buck said.  "She ran off as it was happenin' but she came back to 'em.  Ain't she the prettiest little thing you ever saw?" 

"You all do realize we were supposed to be in court forty minutes ago," Chris spoke, ignoring Buck's question.  
  


"That long ago?" Buck asked, suddenly getting serious.

Vin spoke despite the fact that the woman was still practically cemented to him, "Damn, Chris, I'm sorry.  The other's are there, though, right?"

"Well, I was really hoping that you, Ezra, and Buck would be there but you obviously aren't.  And since Josiah, Nathan, and I are here with you that only leaves JD."

"Don't worry the kid'll be there," Buck said with utter confidence toward his protégé.

"Hell, if all of us couldn't there, I'd be pretty damn surprised if JD could," Chris commented pessimistically.   

"Ah, hell, fellas, we oughta just haul ass on up to the courtroom before this whole case goes down the tubes cause none of us could make it up a few floors," Vin said.

"Amen, brother."   
 

The six men sprinted up the remaining steps to the courtroom. 

~*~

"Agent Dunne—," the attorney began only to be cut off by the rather raucous entry of six men he recognized quite easily.  One of the men appeared to be badly out of breath while most of the others seemed to be giving him looks of disdain.  

The DA looked at the judge and said apologetically, "It appears the rest of my witnesses have finally arrived. Judge . . . I apologize . . . for everything."

"Yes, well, gentlemen, take a seat--" The judge began.

Just then, a cop raced in; giving the six men standing in the aisle a dirty look then approached the bench and whispered something in the ear of the judge.  He then strode to the back of the courtroom.

"Agent Larabee, it appears the people with whom you shared an elevator are a bit upset that you pulled a gun on them." 

_So this is team seven.  _Despite the somewhat serious situation, the judge could not help but chuckle to himself while trying to keep a stern look on his face.

P.S. JD went to visit the old lady in the hospital and has developed something of a relationship with the would-be general while ADA Travis had a hell of a time trying to get Chris' butt out of a sling—but managed to convince the people in the elevator not to press charges.  Meanwhile, the woman Vin and Ezra saved has proposed to Ezra once and to Vin twice despite their protests and Vin's blushing cheeks.  While Buck has avoided the redheaded receptionist like the plague, he is finding it increasingly difficult considering the fact that he has become completely enamored with a blonde court receptionist. All this gave Mary Travis yet another topic for her newest smash hit column, **The Real Team Seven**, entitled **_Courtroom Bloopers_**. 

THE END

A/N:  This was just a fun little fic I wrote in the hopes of making you laugh or at least chuckle a little.  Please review!


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